This is a entry with a bit of a difference today, as its not a vent/ recall of recent events and goings on at home. This is a special one. My close friend Emma is a counsellor and she has a Facebook page as well as a website ( will link at the end) where she focuses on Person centred/ existential counselling.
On her Facebook page she covers various topics, self development, boundaries, lots of things! I can honestly say she makes it easy to talk to and helps talk through issues and I know she is a very close friend but I feel this would be the case if I were a client instead. She wants to look at Motherhood and coping with various issues, including postnatal depression and seeing as I help admin on the page and have had the blog for years she has asked to share my blog so I offered to do a post!
The hard part I think is where to start. Or perhaps it's not so hard, my eldest is 10 this year! this time 10 years ago was a very stressful time, for reasons I won't get into on here but having already suffered a miscarriage earlier in that year being pregnant again I was wanting to keep everything as calm as possible, though it seemed fate had other ideas. I believe it is these events and more that led to my first dip into postnatal depression. I won't say depression in general as I do think I may have suffered alot with it in college and even high school and it would explain alot but won't go into that today.
Madam was born early October, 4 weeks early and a very tiny dot at 4lb 14 oz, I could pick her up with one hand! nothing I had fit her and my mum and mother in law had to rush out to buy their new granddaughter some clothes! no one warned us she would be small. She was born early due to myself having placenta previa ( the placenta completely blocked the way out) and I had already been stuck in hospital on bed rest for two weeks before she arrived via c section. So it was a very stressful time! baby blues hit two days after she was born, I was so upset, I wanted to go home, madam wasn't really drinking any milk, I was desperately trying to breast feed and struggling as she was so small and the hospital at that time were not very supportive, told me to go and ask another mum for the breast pump after having a section! and being socially anxious that was a no! Basically she was so small she was just sleeping but I've only really come that this conclusion later on the hospital didn't! but they were insistent she needed to drink so we could go home! It was during this time I noticed madam had very dry skin, not the baby soft skin everyone speaks of and it would be later that i realised this was the start of her Eczema.
I can't remember now how or when I was diagnosed with postnatal depression, I remember friends of the time wondering why I was depressed or how could I be when I had a lovely little baby about. It's hard! she was so small, and not feeding and being a new mum takes its toll you don't realise everything until you are going through the motions that this little creature is now completely reliant on you and you made it and its scary! Very! the smallest things made me worry, worry something was going to happen to her like when out walking near the canal that we would accidentally let go of the pram and it would go into the water, it was unlikely but I had these thoughts going through my head! I ended up going to counselling and we managed to work some things out before madam turned 1.
Now I don't personally think everything was resolved and I am very good at bottling things up, madams skin carried on getting worse and we eventually learned she had eczema and it wasn't just a bit of dry skin, it was the type of eczema that you really had to work with and try and sort out. I wish I could say 10 years down the line that things had greatly improved but alas they haven't.
Sometimes as a mum I believe you are made to feel like you have to have everything perfect, children behaved, that eat their fruit and veg, that go to bed on time, who can share and play nice, who can do everything before they can go to school. It is a lot of pressure on parents! I know this is not the case and any normal mum will say that there are going to be trouble their little darlings are not angels all the time! And I know mine are not. I suppose it does rely on how bothered you are on the social side, of other people's opinions. Which I'm afraid has affected me and always has done and I hate to say it is not something I can just switch off!
It is the expectations that are landed onto parents, and some breeze through it, or rather "seem" to and others don't after all we have no idea what is going on behind closed doors.
As a family we have had to cope with depression and other health issues and the toll it takes can be extremely hard. Both of my children have health issues, the youngest currently under investigation for things and tbh I don't know what! as well as madams issues with her eczema, her allergies, hypermobility etc etc. As a mum personally I find it extremely difficult to keep going some days, when everything is going wrong, like madam is struggling to walk to school but you've been told to get her in no matter how long it takes. That you are constantly on the look out for the foods which could essential kill her, the struggles of the fatigue hit 5 yr old. .. It is very emotionally draining!
I have had 2 bouts of postnatal depression, treated differently, and have since been through counselling again but that was due in person to all the health needs the children have at the moment and feeling I suppose inadequate as a parent to deal with it all. I know some think I handle things really well, that all the kids appointments etc are just water off a ducks back. Shock horror though, all the apps do get to me ! Some nights I am up and down stairs several times, seeing to crying upset, in pain children. Every night I am with either of the children, I never get a full nights sleep... ie more then a couple of hours without being disturbed. This is why some days I get home from the school run and i just sit.. and do nothing yes.. that's right nothing, I veg.. because when the kids are home I don't get a rest or a break. my break is during the day, though if anything is needed or any what not I do do things.
Not much can be done about this, We see drs, and we go along best we can. As it's said we will deal with what comes and know we can because we have already been through so much as a family.
Tips to dealing with it all? Not sure I have many, I like my coffee, need my coffee if I feel like I can handle being out I go for a walk, Talk to friends if they are there to listen, which I know with health issues sometimes it feels like you are going on about the same things all the time. ( and I think as a friend if you are on the receiving end of the rants just offer the coffee/ tea and it will be ok! ) You have to talk, don't bottle it up, don't keep it all in because thats when you start dwelling and start stewing on all the ideas and the bad thoughts. It won't get better that way!!
Find the things that take your interest, hobbies etc and make time for them. Talk to a health professional if you feel that dark thoughts, or disturbing thoughts or if something just isn't right. Seek out support groups, they are there trust me!
Talk. As hard as it is talk. As someone who bottles or has been known to bottle because I fear what people will say or that I bore people. Some.. I am certain I have lost because they have no idea how to respond or even chat to me any more as we have nothing in common any more. I am a mum of children, children who do have issues and need extra care . sometimes my "identity" has gone because I'm not Rachelle, I'm x's mum.
Sometimes you have to take your place back make sure you have some "you" time. It is important because if you are not in the right state of mind you are not going to be able to fully help your children.
Thank you for taking the time to read and put up with this entry today, It has helped me get some thoughts out.. things that can be quite close guarded. I am not afraid to say I suffer with depression or depressive bouts, it is understandable for someone in my shoes. But it is ok for anyone to suffer! don't be afraid. xx
( Links! as promised! Please take a look x )
https://www.facebook.com/emmascounsellinghaven/
https://plusguidance.com/emmashaven
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